Love and Pain
by Percys-girl
Summary: ObiWan tries to help a friend learn that love and pain aren't one and the same.


Title: Love and Pain  
  
Author: Obisgurl aharmon1@maine.rr.com  
  
Archive: Yes. Please let me know where.  
  
Feedback: Always appreciated  
  
Category: Angst  
  
Timeframe: Obi-Wan ages five to fourteen  
  
Rating: PG-13 (violence, abuse of a minor, self-harm)  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Disclaimers: All Star Wars characters belong to George Lucas, I'm only borrowing them. I am not making any money off of them, and promise to take good care of them while I have them.  
  
Summary: Obi-Wan tries to help a friend learn that love and pain aren't one and the same.  
  
Author's Notes: This story deals with the subjects of child abuse and self- mutilation. Though it is dealt with carefully, if these topics disturb you, please don't read the story. Also, if you are a self-injurer, scenes in this story could act as a trigger. Please make sure you safe and stable before reading this story.  
  
A special thanks to my beta-readers for this story: Helen and Rori. Without them this story wouldn't be half as good as it is. They are invaluable and I appreciate them more than I can express in words.  
  
// means flashback  
  
** means speech through a mental bond  
  
  
  
They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears  
  
1 They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears  
  
Love and pain become one and the same in the eyes of a wounded child.  
  
Hell is for Children, Pat Benatar  
  
  
  
It had been a relaxing day for young Obi-Wan Kenobi. Instead of having classes today, the children were all taken on a trip to the meditation gardens. They had been given the entire day to play and rest, and they'd even had a picnic in the afternoon for the mid-day meal. The five year-old Jedi initiate couldn't imagine anything being better than today.  
  
His eyes closed, Obi-Wan hadn't realized that he'd fallen asleep on the soft grass under the Banyan tree. He awoke and stretched, trying to remember a dream he'd had, but had no luck. A scowl crossed his cherubic face as he remembered that he'd felt something that had woken him from his dream. Looking around, he could still see his creche Masters and friends around, but he knew something was wrong. He had a strange feeling inside his head, and Master Elina had said that when he had those feelings it was the Force telling him something important. He was supposed to listen to the Force and let it tell him things, so Obi-Wan stood up and started looking for the cause of his discomfort.  
  
The more he searched, the more upset Obi-Wan got. He liked playing hide-and- seek, but not when he was having bad feelings. He thought of telling Master Elina. She was very nice, and would help him find the problem, but Obi-Wan couldn't find her either. Obi-Wan was ready to give up and find one of the other masters when he heard something from behind a bush. Peeking around it cautiously, he found one of his classmates sitting on the ground, her legs pressed tightly to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself protectively.  
  
"Maya?"  
  
When the girl didn't answer, Obi-Wan inched a bit closer and squatted down beside her. "What's wrong, Maya? Why aren't you playing?" Looking his friend over, Obi-Wan noticed that the girl had a scraped knee. "Did you fall down? I do that sometimes. You should tell Master Elina. She'll put gel on it and it'll feel a lot better."  
  
The girl looked up slowly, her midnight blue eyes full of pain. The tears in her eyes started falling down her cheeks slowly, one by one, and Obi-Wan reached out a little hand to wipe them away. When she flinched and drew back, Obi-Wan stopped, concerned he'd somehow hurt her and hadn't known.  
  
"Umm…I can go get Master Elina if you can't get up, that's ok. You just stay here and I'll be right back, ok?"  
  
Obi-Wan stood very slowly, not wanting to scare his friend, and once he was where she couldn't see him anymore he ran as quickly as he could towards the rest of the group. He caught sight of Master Elina watching some of the children wading in one of the garden's ponds, and changed direction towards her. As he approached, the creche Master turned, sensing his distress. "Obi- Wan! What's wrong?"  
  
"She fell…hurt herself…scared." Taking a few breaths, Obi-Wan tried to catch his breath. "Maya fell down."  
  
The creche Master was on her feet in a flash and headed in the direction Obi-Wan had come from. Obi-Wan tried to follow, but a hand on his arm kept him in place. He looked up to see one of the other creche Masters.  
  
"Master Elina will take care of it, Obi-Wan. Come and sit down."  
  
Before the young boy could object he was being led over to the rest of his classmates. He sat, but kept an eye on the area where he knew Maya was hiding. After a few minutes he saw Master Elina carrying his friend. They approached, and he heard the Masters talking. Master Elina was going to take Maya to the healers and fix her knee. Obi-Wan relaxed and sat back, watching as they left the garden. He felt better now, the feeling he had wasn't so strong anymore. It hadn't gone away completely though, and Obi- Wan wondered if maybe Maya was hurt more than he'd thought.  
  
***  
  
Four Years Later  
  
  
  
"Come on, you have to move faster than that if you're going to hit me!"  
  
Obi-Wan laughed and jumped back as the blade of the lightsaber came only a few inches from his chest.  
  
"Oh, that was close. Come on, Maya, you can do better than that!"  
  
The girl across from him was getting frustrated, he could tell. It wasn't like her. Usually Maya was the picture of serenity. Ever since they were children in the creche, she'd been able to tune everything out and relax. Obi-Wan wished it were so easy for him. She was always so patient and quiet. It hadn't been easy for her to make friends, because she wouldn't approach anyone. Obi-Wan hadn't let her get away with that, though, and had broken through the walls she'd built early on. They'd become fast friends, and Obi-Wan was one of the few people that knew the real Maya, behind the walls.  
  
Another swipe from Maya's lightsaber caught his attention, and he danced to the side, swinging his own weapon just in time to block the follow-up attack. With a quick parry Obi-Wan threw his opponent off balance. Not giving up the opportunity, Obi-Wan stepped up and took the offensive. With a few quick moves he was able to keep Maya unbalanced, and soon had her on the ground. The blade of his training 'saber stopped inches from her neck, signaling a deathblow, and the end to the bout.  
  
Obi-Wan stood back, placed his lightsaber on his belt, and held out a hand to his friend. As he helped her stand, he noticed that she was shaking, and moved his arm around her waist. "You ok?"  
  
The girl nodded. "Just a little winded, that's all."  
  
Obi-Wan nodded in reply, but knew his friend wasn't being completely honest with him. They stood like that for a few seconds before Maya started to sit down. He helped her down and sat beside her, a concerned look on his face. "What wrong? You seem tired? I didn't hurt you, did I?"  
  
Maya shook her head, but he saw her face wince in pain and noticed her arm cradled near her chest. "I'm ok, really. I should get back. I have to study for the Astrophysics exam tomorrow." Maya stood slowly, but Obi-Wan noticed the shaking had stopped.  
  
"Ok. I'll see you tomorrow in class then. Thanks for sparring with me."  
  
"You're welcome" Maya's small smile did little to alleviate Obi-Wan's concern, but he was glad to see it anyway.  
  
As they parted, Obi-Wan wondered what would cause his friend to hide the truth from him, and decided he'd meditate on it when he got back to his room.  
  
In the morning Obi-Wan's concern grew in intensity when he noticed Maya was not in class. He saw his friend Bant already in her seat, and quickly moved to sit next to her. "Bant, where's Maya?"  
  
The Mon Calmarian girl looked surprised at the question. "Haven't you heard? She fell down last night and broke two ribs! I guess she hit a table in her room. The healers are keeping her in bed for a couple days, but said she'll be ok soon."  
  
Obi-Wan recoiled as if he'd been struck. Maya was sometimes clumsy, and seemed to get hurt a lot, but nothing so serious as breaking ribs. He had to see her. He had to find out if that's really what happened. What if he'd hurt her during practice and she was just using the story as a cover? Before he had time to think anymore on it the teacher had come in and was beginning class. Everything was telling Obi-Wan there was something more going on, but it seemed like fate was keeping him from putting the pieces together. Knowing he had to pass his test, Obi-Wan pushed his worries aside and concentrated on his astrophysics exam.  
  
A few hours later he found himself outside of Maya's room. He'd meant to go back to his own room, but had to see his friend. Waiting for a few seconds, Obi-Wan finally pressed his palm on the control and opened the door.  
  
All initiates had the same type of quarters, with only the slightest variations in shape based on where the room was located in the temple. The main difference was the way the students decorated their rooms, which varied as much as there were species in the galaxy. Obi-Wan had always liked Maya's room. She had painted it a warm beige color, but had painted the ceiling black. Over the years his friend had taken the time to paint the night sky of Coruscant over the black, and every year it had come closer to being finished. He knew Maya's goal was to finish it before she was taken as a Padawan, and he's even helped her from time to time. He found himself wondering if it would be done in time, and even if it was, if the next student would just paint over it.  
  
Looking quickly around the room, he saw that Maya was lying on her bed, apparently asleep. He moved carefully over to the bed and knelt down beside it. Her breathing was steady, assuring him that she was sleeping peacefully. He didn't want to wake her, but he needed to know that she was ok. Putting a hand on her head, Obi-Wan followed the links of the tenuous friendship bond they'd begun to build, sending a message into her mind. **Maya?**  
  
The girl's eyes opened with a start and Obi-Wan felt a strong backlash as shields snapped into place, severing their connection. Feeling like he'd been kicked in the head, he leaned back a hand to steady himself and closed his eyes. It took a few seconds before he felt strong enough to open them again, and he was sure it was going to take a lot longer to get rid of the headache that was forming. The first thing he saw was that Maya was awake, and was crying. His concern overrode his pain, and he was sitting on her bed a second later. "It's ok, Maya. It was my fault, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to see if you were ok. I should have been more careful. I'm sorry."  
  
He noticed his friend relax a little, and breathed a sigh of relief. Maya always got really upset when she thought she'd done something wrong, and he didn't want her to be upset when she was already hurting.  
  
"So? You ok?"  
  
"I fell. I feel so stupid. What kind of person breaks her ribs on a table?"  
  
Obi-Wan smiled at his friend "Only the two of us, probably. And here I thought you were getting over your clumsy phase and there was hope out there for me!"  
  
Maya smiled, a sight Obi-Wan thanked the Force silently for. "I thought so too, but I guess not. The healers say I have to stay in bed for a couple days, so that my ribs heal right. I missed the astrophysics test though, so it's not all bad."  
  
Obi-Wan laughed "That's the Maya I know and love."  
  
***  
  
Five Years Later  
  
Obi-Wan walked quickly to keep up with his Master's long strides. They'd just returned home from a mission, and Obi-Wan knew his Master was anxious to return to their quarters and rest. They'd been on mission after mission for the past seven months, and had been given almost no time to rest in their own beds.  
  
"I think I could sleep for a few days, Master, now that we're home."  
  
Qui-Gon smiled and nodded in agreement. "A few days rest will do us both some good. Thankfully, I made our report to the Council on our way home, so we need not be bothered with that."  
  
When the door to their shared quarters opened, they both let out a sigh of relief. Obi-Wan immediately took his bag in to his room and flopped down on his bed. He could hear his Master putting on a pot of tea, as he was in a habit of doing when they returned from any mission. He smiled to himself, "Some things never change".  
  
**Like the fact that you never clean your room, Padawan?**  
  
The humor was evident in Qui-Gon's statement, but Obi-Wan still flinched. **I'll do it tomorrow, Master. I just don't have the strength right now.**  
  
Closing his eyes, Obi-Wan pulled his pillow up around his ears and smiled, releasing it to flop back on his bed. It was good to be home, he thought as he drifted off to sleep.  
  
***  
  
"You're going to be late if you don't hurry!"  
  
Obi-Wan smiled at Bant as he rushed into the practice arena. "And so would you for waiting for me!"  
  
"That's what friends are for, Obi." The girl laughed, her silver eyes sparkling with amusement.  
  
Throughout practice, Obi-Wan felt a nagging in the back of his head that wouldn't go away. Every so often he'd look around the room, but didn't find anything out of the ordinary. As practice ended, and he still hadn't found anything wrong, Obi-Wan tried to release his anxiety and found that he couldn't. Looking around one last time before leaving, Obi-Wan noticed his friend Maya sitting alone on the practice bench, her head in her hands.  
  
Obi-Wan had always looked after Maya, ever since the first day he'd met her, when they were three years old. She was prone to take things to heart, and could be easily hurt, so she didn't let people get close to her often. Obi-Wan was one of the few that had, and he cherished his friendship with her. Taking a seat beside her, he put an arm around his friend and sent a wave of love through their bond. He felt her relax almost immediately, and smiled when she leaned into him physically.  
  
"I missed you, Obi-Wan," she whispered so softly he almost missed it.  
  
"I missed you too. What happened?"  
  
Maya sat up and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I lost every match today, every single one. If I keep going like this my Master will regret ever taking me as a Padawan. She's been upset that my 'saber skills are lacking, and even though she told me it was ok, I know she's disappointed in me."  
  
Maya had been taken four years ago by Master Una Illorma, a Master known for her skills in battle, as well as her keen intellect. Though Obi-Wan was sure that Maya's Master might be disappointed that her Padawan didn't share her martial skills, he doubted she'd ever regret taking her as an apprentice.  
  
"Maya, your Master loves you. She'd never regret taking you just because you're having problems with 'saber practice. Everyone knows you're the best in the class in Force manipulation anyway. I'm sure your Master does too. You're worrying too much."  
  
Obi-Wan was surprised when Maya stood up, grabbing her outer tunic as she turned to leave.  
  
"You have no idea, Obi-Wan. If I'm not perfect she won't want me, that's the way it works. You're lucky. Qui-Gon loves you no matter what. But I'm not you."  
  
Obi-Wan was speechless as he watched his friend run out of the room. Maya had never raised her voice, to anyone. 'Well, at least I know what the force was warning me about, now.'  
  
***  
  
Maya fled from the room like it was on fire. The few strange looks she got from other Jedi in the hallway didn't faze her for once. She had to get to her room. That's all that mattered.  
  
As she entered the quarters she shared with her Master she was relieved that Master Illorma was still in her meetings with the Council. She was probably telling them right now that she was releasing her Padawan, that Maya couldn't learn what she had to teach her and she needed a worthier apprentice.  
  
The teenager made her way to her room quickly, closing the door and locking it behind her. It was so hard, why couldn't anyone see that? She tried to be perfect, but she just couldn't. She was scared, and she knew her Master didn't love her. With that fear welling up inside of her, Maya opened the drawer to her desk and took out what looked like a dinner knife. Slowly she sat on the floor beside her bed.  
  
She felt like she was going to explode. She had held in her emotions for so long, trying to be perfect, and now she couldn't let them go. She had to make it better, so nobody would know. Pushing her sleeve up, she ran the cold metal across her upper arm. To her it felt like the caress of a mother, soothing her frightened child. The pain made the sadness she felt go away. She watched as the trickle of blood fell to the ground beside her, leaving her body and taking all of her pent up fear and guilt with her, like the current of a river. She knew all the pain she'd been feeling wasn't real, it was just emotional. Pain was supposed to be physical. The knife ran across her arm again, and her mind went numb. All she could feel was the pain of the knife as it bit into her flesh, again and again. This was pain, the only pain worth acknowledging. This was real.  
  
After a few more slashes, Maya put the knife on the floor and watched as the blood seeped out of the slashes on her arm. The cuts weren't deep, so the blood was slow. She sat back and leaned her head on the bed behind her. After a few minutes she was calm, and in control. She took the time to clean the knife, putting it back in the desk drawer. She then dried off her arm, not bothering to clean it or put bacta gel on it. It didn't matter if the wounds healed; in fact, it was better if they didn't. Nobody would notice them anyway.  
  
Making sure the bleeding had stopped, Maya pulled her tunic back over her arm and cleaned the blood off the floor, making sure to rinse out the cleaning rag afterwards. With no sign that anything had ever happened, she took a seat on the couch and started studying her chemistry notes.  
  
***  
  
"Master?"  
  
Qui-Gon looked up from his datapad, controlling the urge to let his Padawan know how annoyed he was at the interruption. "Yes?"  
  
"I have a problem," Obi-Wan said, plopping himself down on the couch beside his Master. "It's a friend of mine. We've been friends a long time, and we had a fight, and I think there's something really wrong but I don't know what it is, and she won't tell me."  
  
Putting aside his work, Qui-Gon gave his Padawan a concerned look. "And the Force is urging you to do something?" The Jedi Master could feel that this was true, through the training bond they shared, but thought that his Padawan should be the one to voice his concerns.  
  
"Yes, Master. It's happened before with Maya. I worry for her, maybe too much sometimes, but I'm sure the Force is guiding me, and I need to find out what's wrong. She thinks that her Master will leave her if she's not perfect."  
  
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow at that "Do she and her Master have a good relationship?"  
  
"Yes! At least, as far as I know. Master Illorma has always seemed to care very much for Maya. I don't know why she'd think her Master would just discard her like that."  
  
Qui-Gon thought on that for a moment. It wasn't uncommon for a Padawan to be worried that they wouldn't be good enough for their Master, but usually it passed in the first few years, as their bond grew. "I'll speak to Master Illorma, if you'd like. However, you need to talk to your friend and try to get her to tell you why she is feeling this way."  
  
Obi-Wan nodded. "Thank you, Master. I really appreciate this."  
  
Qui-Gon gave his Padawan a lopsided grin and ruffed his short spiky hair. "Your concerns are my concerns, Padawan. And you're welcome."  
  
***  
  
Master Una Illorma was a tall woman, with long blonde hair, which she usually kept in long braids trailing down her back. Her pale skin shimmered silver in the light, and her bright blue eyes almost seemed to glow. She was well known throughout the Jedi Order for her martial prowess, a skill only rivaled by her skills as a negotiator. She had raised two Padawans to knighthood already, one of whom had recently become a Master in her own right. Qui-Gon had worked with her previously, but was unsure how to approach her now, especially about a possible problem in the care of her Padawan.  
  
He found her alone in the map room. Masters often came to this room to survey the various star systems and locate where the Council's attention was centered. Each of these "hot spots," as the younger knights had dubbed them many decades ago, was highlighted on the map. The larger the problem, the larger its marker became.  
  
Qui-Gon was loathe to disturb his fellow Master, but knew this could not wait. He took a step towards the woman, and was not terribly surprised when she turned to face him.  
  
"Qui-Gon Jinn." A smile spread on her face. "To what do I owe this honor?"  
  
Her sarcasm was not lost on the Master. "It's been a while since I've graced you with my presence. I thought I'd remedy that."  
  
Illorma smiled and embraced her fellow Master as if he were a dear friend who'd she'd not seen in a long while. When they backed apart, Qui-Gon smiled and took one of her hands in his. "We need to talk." His voice made it clear that the matter was important, even if his eyes had not.  
  
They walked down a short hallway and into a side room that was often used for private discussions. The two sat a few feet apart, facing each other. Qui-Gon could feel that the woman was concerned, and found that all of his years of diplomatic training had not prepared him for this conversation.  
  
"Qui-Gon, I've known you most of my life. Just say what you need to say."  
  
Qui-Gon couldn't hide the little smile that creased his lips. "You're always so damned intuitive, Una." The Jedi Master took a deep breath, focusing on releasing all of his anxiety. "It's about your Padawan."  
  
"Maya?" Master Illorma queried, and Qui-Gon could feel the woman's concern rise a bit higher.  
  
Nodding, he continued. "She and Obi-Wan are good friends, and he came to me with concerns. He says that she was very upset about her performance in 'saber practice, and had been worried that you would release her as a Padawan if she was not perfect."  
  
Though the words were said softly, they still had a strong effect. Master Illorma sat back, stunned into silence. After almost a minute she looked up at Qui-Gon again. "Please forgive me. I never expected anything like this. I thought Maya and I were so close. I was sure she knew that I'd never do such a thing. She's a wonderful Padawan, Qui-Gon. She's respectful and attentive and her heart is so full of love…" She paused, obviously fighting back strong emotions. "I'll speak to her. Thank you, my friend." Standing, she inclined her head and quickly left.  
  
***  
  
Maya was in a Force manipulation class with Master Yoda when she felt her Master's presence in the doorway. She continued to focus on the spinning balls in front of her, not wanting to lose concentration. When one of the balls dipped a bit low, she quickly brought it back into place.  
  
"Concentrate you must. Do not be distracted!" Master Yoda chided.  
  
Maya focused all of her attention on the balls in front of her. This was the one thing she was good at, and she wouldn't mess it up too. But when she felt her Master's hand on her shoulder she lost control and the balls dropped to the floor, rolling away in different directions. Master Yoda shook his head. "Go with your Master now. In two days we will try again."  
  
The Padawan bowed respectfully to the aged Master, then took her place at Illorma's side as they walked back towards their quarters. 'This is it,' she thought to herself. 'She's spoken to the Council, and now she's going to tell me that she doesn't want me. She'll cut off my Padawan braid and send me away.' She could feel her Master's mind touch against her shields, but she kept them shut tight. If she was going to be thrown away like trash, then she'd at least do it with some dignity.  
  
As they approached their room, though, she thought she was going to break. She stopped in the hall a few feet from the door and looked up to her Master. "If you're going to do this, do it now and get it over with," she said when her Master turned to face her. "I'd rather not have a drawn out discussion about my faults. I'd like to just pack and leave, if it's all the same to you." She could hardly believe the words that were coming out of her mouth, but at the same time, she was helpless to stop them.  
  
Master Illorma, for her part, didn't know what to say. It was as if a different young woman stood before her. "Come inside, Maya, we have to talk," she said calmly.  
  
After a few seconds, the Padawan finally gave in and entered the room, taking a seat in one of the chairs in the common area. She sat very still, and would not meet her Master's gaze.  
  
"Maya, why would you tell someone that I was going to get rid of you? Do you honestly believe that?"  
  
Maya continued to sit silently for a few seconds, but finally couldn't stand it anymore. "You don't love me," she shouted. "Don't you think I know that! I'm not the Padawan you want, and I'll probably never be who you want me to be." She stood up quickly. "So why don't you just tell me the truth!"  
  
"Maya, I am telling you the truth. I don't know how you can think that! Have I given you the impression that I didn't love you? Haven't I always told you how special you are to me? I don't understand, Maya. Please…tell me what's going on!"  
  
Maya took a step back, not willing to believe what her Master was saying. "It's not true. Why are you lying to me? If you love me, why do I feel like this?"  
  
Master Illorma shook her head and stood up, taking only a few short steps towards her fragile Padawan. "How, Maya? Tell me what you're feeling? Please? I want to help make this right, but I just don't understand."  
  
Shaking her head, the girl took a few more steps back, until she was backed against the wall. When she realized she had nowhere to go, it was if her mind realized that as well. She broke down and began crying, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm not good enough to be your Padawan. I know that…" her voice broke as the crying became more uncontrolled, and the girl slid down to the floor.  
  
"Oh, Maya." Putting her arms around her Padawan, Illoram pulled Maya into her lap, cradling her Padawan's head on her shoulder. "That's not true. You're the best Padawan I could ask for. I don't know why you'd think that. I thank the Force every day for bringing you into my life."  
  
For a few minutes they sat there, until finally Maya's sobbing became sniffles. Master Illorma put a finger under Maya's chin and lifted her face up. "Maya, have I ever done anything to make you think I didn't love you?"  
  
"I…No, but…Master Elina…"  
  
Silence hung between them. "Master Elina…your creche Master?"  
  
Maya nodded.  
  
"I don't understand, Maya. What does Master Elina have to do with this?"  
  
Maya slipped off of her Master's lap and quickly made her way to the room's door. Palming it open she could hear her Master's voice calling out to her as she ran down the hall. She ran through the halls of the temple, oblivious to anything around her, and before she knew it she was in the creche. It was the middle of the day, and most of the children were gone. The few that were there played silently, but noted her presence with a smile as she continued past them. It didn't take her long to find what she was looking for.  
  
Maya stood there for several minutes, watching Master Elina putting away toys one by one, as if transfixed. It was like she was three again. She was startled when the Master turned to face her.  
  
"Maya? What brings you here? It's been a very long time."  
  
Maya was speechless. What could she say to this woman? Elina had raised her for most of her life. She was the only mother she'd ever known. "Did you mean it when you told me you loved me?"  
  
She could see the confusion in the other's eyes, then the recognition. "Maya," she said in a soothing voice, taking a few steps toward the girl, "do you doubt that I love you?"  
  
Maya shook her head, as if in a dream. She'd heard that before…The years fell away in an instant.  
  
// "Maya, you know how much I love you, don't you? Don't ever doubt that."//  
  
// Her arms hurt from where the Master had grabbed hold of her, and her knee was bleeding, the skin sloughed off when she'd hit the rocks nearby. "Yes, Master," she said in a little voice, as if by rote. //  
  
// "I only do this because I love you, Maya. Always remember that." //  
  
// Maya fell to the ground behind the small bush and cried quietly as the older woman walked away as if nothing had happened. //  
  
Looking up to the woman in front of her, Maya's eyes filled with tears. "Master Illorma says she loves me too, so who do I believe?"  
  
"Oh, so that's it? Maya…" again the Master stepped forward, noticing that Maya did not shy away from her. "Nobody loves you like I do. I'm the one that raised you, who held you at night when you were scared. How could you doubt my love for you?"  
  
The Padawan looked up, the words striking a familiar cord. Before she knew it, words were streaming out of her mouth. "Because my Master doesn't have to hit me to prove it! You're wrong…other Masters don't do this. This…it isn't right!"  
  
Master Elina's eyes narrowed "Hush now, Maya. You're getting yourself upset. Look at you, you're so upset you're shaking!" Taking another step forward, she grabbed the girl's wrist, and kept a hold on it while Maya struggled.  
  
"No…" Maya's words were cut short with a sudden backhand that split her lip.  
  
"Be quiet!" Master Elina said, dragging Maya into a nearby room and closing the door behind them. "I gave you everything, and you betray me like this?"  
  
Maya couldn't say anything. It was all happening again. Why did she do this? Why couldn't she have kept her mouth shut?  
  
"I'm going to have to teach you a lesson, Maya. I had hoped we'd moved past that, but apparently not."  
  
***  
  
Obi-Wan was sitting with his Master, when he suddenly jumped up.  
  
"Padawan? Obi-Wan, what is it?"  
  
"Something's wrong, Master. I can feel it. It's very strong."  
  
Qui-Gon cast out his senses, but could only feel his own Padawan's tension. "I don't sense anything unusual. Can you find its source?" He knew that sometimes the boy's sensitivity to the Force was stronger than his own, and he had learned to trust in it long ago.  
  
"No, Master, but I think it's Maya."  
  
Just then the door to their quarters beeped, alerting them to a visitor. Qui-Gon knew immediately who it was, and opened the door to admit her. "Una, what is it?"  
  
Master Illorma looked around the room, finally locking eyes with Obi-Wan. "Tell me you can sense her, please. She's blocked me."  
  
Obi-Wan's concern grew, but he let go of it. He had to find his friend. Reaching out to their bond, he strengthened it with the Force around him. He could sense her life-force, but it was weak.  
  
**Maya?**  
  
With intensity Obi-Wan was not expecting, he felt as if he'd been kicked in the chest. Doubling over, he found it difficult to breathe. He could feel his Master's arms around him, giving him both physical and mental support. "She's hurt. Someone's hurting her. She's very weak."  
  
"Where, Padawan?" his Master's voice said lovingly.  
  
Obi-Wan tried to concentrate. "That can't be right." Shutting everything else out, he tried again, with the same results. "She's in the creche, Master. But why…"  
  
His words were cut off by Master Illorma. "Sith…it's Elina," she exclaimed as she ran out the door.  
  
Obi-Wan looked to his own Master, confused. "Master Elina? The creche Master?"  
  
Qui-Gon's brown furled thoughtfully. "Was Master Elina your creche Master, Padawan?" At Obi-Wan's nod, Qui-Gon began to see the connection. "If you feel up to it, we should follow. Maya might need your help."  
  
***  
  
Maya knew she was in the creche. She remembered coming here after her talk with Master Illorma. She even remembered standing up to Master Elina. The rest was fuzzy though. She remembered bits and pieces of being hit, but it all seemed like it had happened to someone else, like she had watched it from afar. She'd learned that trick a long time ago. While other children were learning to play and make friends, she'd been learning to distance herself from pain. It made it easier, because if she struggled it only made Master Elina hit her harder, and more often.  
  
Reaching out a hand, Maya could feel the cold floor beneath her. She didn't bother opening her eyes; she could feel that they were swollen shut. Master Elina had never beaten her this badly, never to the point where it couldn't be covered up with an excuse of clumsiness. But then again, Maya had never stood up to her attacker. She remembered the look in the older woman's eyes, that look of pure anger, as she'd told her this wasn't how it was supposed to be. She knew then that this would be the first, and last time she'd stand up to Master Elina.  
  
Somewhere nearby she could hear the Master's voice. She was talking to herself, mumbling something about how this had gotten out of hand, how it was never meant to go this far.  
  
"Why did you make me do this, Maya? I never wanted it to be like this. Why couldn't you be a good girl?"  
  
Maya raised her head towards the voice but didn't have the strength to do anything else, and found herself quickly slumping back to the floor. Her face found the coolness of the floor, and even though the pressure to her wounds caused her pain, the cold felt good. Besides, she couldn't have moved if she'd wanted to.  
  
"Oh Maya. What am I going to do with you?"  
  
Maya heard herself laugh. She wanted to scream. She wanted to tell Master Elina that it didn't matter anymore, and to just get it over with. But it just came out as a quiet sob.  
  
She heard the soft steps of the Master's boots approach her and then stop, turning quickly. Reaching out with what little energy she had, Maya could have sworn she'd felt Obi-Wan nearby, telling her to hold on.  
  
***  
  
"Don't touch her, Elina." A commanding voice cut through the small room.  
  
Standing in the doorway to the small office was Master Una Illorma, her Jedi robe seeming to almost billow with a life of its own. Her lightsaber was in her hand, though not yet ignited. Any normal person would have run at the sight of her, seeing the fire in her eyes that betrayed the anger burning deep inside of her.  
  
But Master Elina was not your typical person.  
  
"Una, how nice of you to join us. I was just discussing loyalty with your Padawan," she said, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.  
  
Una looked past the creche Master, to where her Padawan lay beaten and bloodied on the floor, her life's blood spilling onto the floor in dark pools.  
  
"Discussing? Step aside Elina and let me see how badly your…discussion…has hurt my Padawan."  
  
"Oh no, I can't do that. You see I doubt very much the Council would approve of my methods. Your Padawan is going to have to stay with me."  
  
"That's never going to happen. Maya belongs with me." Igniting her lightsaber, Una stepped forward. "And I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you never harm her again."  
  
With a quick movement that the Jedi Master wasn't expecting, Elina drew her own 'saber, the two blades clashing with an intensity that made both back away a few steps.  
  
The creche Master, though she had not sparred in some time, was stilled a trained Jedi. She moved without effort, blocking and parrying each of the other woman's strikes with great skill.  
  
"How could you do this? You were trusted with a child's care! How could you hurt her like this?" Una cried out in frustration, continuing her strikes, each one seemingly gaining in strength.  
  
"I did what I had to. Her care was mine, and I taught her that love is not always pleasant, or kind. I do love her, so I taught her the real way of life."  
  
Una could feel the anger rising in her heart, wanting her to strike down the one that had caused her Padawan harm, its cold grip like tentacles through her heart. She struck out again, with a ferocity that shook the other Master, and sent Elina flying into a nearby wall, where she slid in a heap to the floor.  
  
Before she had a chance to strike again, another lightsaber sprang to life from behind her.  
  
"Una, don't so this." Qui-Gon's voice called out calmly. "Think of Maya. If you fall, who will care for her? Look at your Padawan, Una. She needs you. Let me take care of Elina. Go to Maya."  
  
The room was eerily quite, except for the panting of the creche Master, and the ragged gasps from Maya's unconscious form.  
  
Slowly, Master Illorma put her lightsaber down, allowing its blade to retract. Clipping it to her belt she walked to where her Padawan lay and picked her up in her arms.  
  
"Thank you, my friend," she said as she turned to leave, giving a look that said far more.  
  
"Go. I'll take care of this."  
  
**Obi-Wan, go with her. Be with your friend.**  
  
**Are you sure, Master?**  
  
**Yes, my Padawan, I'm sure.**  
  
Without looking, he knew Obi-Wan had begun walking down the hall, following Master Illorma and his friend to the healer's wing. He only hoped they would not be too late. He hated to think of what Maya's death would do to his Padawan, and also to the girl's Master. Shaking his head, he turned back to Master Elina.  
  
"I can not begin to tell you how appalled I am by what you've done. A part of this will always be with that girl, and she doesn't deserve that. Even when she lets go of the pain and the fear, she will always remember it. But hear this: it will make her stronger, and she will make sure it never happens to another child. She will live her life free of your taint, and she will learn what real love is. She will grow, and become a fine Jedi, and you will rot in a prison cell for the rest of your existence."  
  
Not waiting for a response, Qui-Gon grabbed the woman's arm firmly and led her to the security officers who were just beginning to arrive.  
  
***  
  
  
  
**Maya? Maya, please wake up.**  
  
**Maya, your Master really needs you. She's really upset and worried. Please come back. I miss you.**  
  
**Too hard…**  
  
Obi-Wan's eyes flew open at the sound of his friends voice in his mind, a smile forming on his face.  
  
"Master Illorma! She's awake, well, kind of."  
  
The Jedi Master was immediately at the side of her Padawan's tank. When there was no response, the woman fought with the tears that had been unstoppable for the past day.  
  
Maya had been unconscious since being brought to the healers, more than a day ago. Though usually a pillar of strength, Master Illorma had wept openly at the sight of her Padawan floating in the bacta tank. When the healers told her that there was nothing more they could do, and that it was now up to Maya, the Master had vowed to stand by her Padawan until she woke. All night she had concentrated on what remained of their training bond, reaching out to Maya, giving her what strength and love she could. Finally, just a few hours ago, Qui-Gon had convinced Master Illorma to sit and rest. Obi-Wan had promised to continue with her efforts to wake his friend, but had been loosing hope, until now.  
  
"Try again, Obi-Wan. Please."  
  
Nodding, the young man centered himself again and reached along his friendship bond with Maya. **It's not too hard, Maya. You can do this. We're all here to help you. You need to be strong now.**  
  
Obi-Wan could feel his friend's self-doubt pouring through their connection.  
  
**tired…**  
  
Obi-Wan shook his head **I know, but you can't sleep now. Master Illorma needs you, Maya! You should see her, she's a wreck without you. She's been crying and everything. Please, come back.**  
  
There was nothing for so long that Obi-Wan thought he had lost her, but suddenly the girl's eyes opened. Master Illorma gasped and put her hand against the tank. "Oh Maya." She could say no more, and simply leaned her head against the warm glass.  
  
Maya's eyes met Obi-Wan's. **Sith take you Kenobi. Can't a girl get any rest around here?**  
  
Obi-Wan laughed out loud, without realizing it, getting more than a few strange glances from the healers. **I had to do something to get you to wake up. Sorry.**  
  
**S'ok. I am really tired though.**  
  
Obi-Wan turned to the nearby healers. "Maya wants to know if it's ok for her to go back to sleep. She says she's really tired."  
  
Talking amongst themselves, one finally nodded. "She needs rest. We'll help her into a healing sleep." Two healers walked to each side of the tank, placing their hands on the glass and closing their eyes. Within seconds, Obi-Wan could feel the force in the room as the healers channeled it towards his friend. Her eyes went wide, and then closed slowly. Through their bond, Obi-Wan knew that she was relaxed, and in a deep sleep. The healers bowed to Master Illorma, one of them touching her shoulder affectionately, and then they were alone again.  
  
***  
  
  
  
When Obi-Wan woke, he felt a warmth surrounding him. He kept his eyes closed and reached out, relaxing into the feeling, allowing it to fill him. When he opened his eyes, he found that his Master was sitting beside him, and that he had somehow fallen asleep and used Qui-Gon as a pillow. Blushing, he sat up quickly. That was when he noticed that his Master was already awake.  
  
"How did you sleep, Padawan?" he said with a smile.  
  
"Umm, fine Master. I'm sorry I feel asleep on you."  
  
"It's all right. You were very tired, and I admit that I might have helped your falling asleep a little."  
  
By the smile on his Master's face, Obi-Wan knew he'd been given a Force induced sleep command. "Master, you didn't need to do that. I would have slept."  
  
"Perhaps. But I wasn't willing to take that chance. You need your strength, Obi-Wan. Not sleeping will not help your friend."  
  
"Yes, Master. I know you're right. I'm just worried about her, that's all."  
  
"I know you are, my Padawan," Qui-Gon said, putting a hand on his Padawan's shoulder. "Come, let's go check up on her."  
  
Entering the other room, Obi-Wan immediately felt Maya's presence. He looked up to see the girl awake and sitting up in bed, her Master sitting close beside her.  
  
"Maya!"  
  
Obi-Wan could not contain his excitement at the smile his friend gave him, and was at her side in an instant. "When did you wake up? When did they take you out of the tank? Why didn't anyone wake me up? How do you feel?"  
  
Maya held back a laugh and took Obi-Wan's hand in hers. "Let's see if I can get to all of these. I woke up about two or three hours ago. They took me out of the tank about thirty minutes ago, which you would have noticed had you been more observant to the fact that my hair is still wet. Nobody woke you up because I asked them to let you sleep, and I feel much better, thank you."  
  
Obi-Wan blushed and started laughing. "I've missed you, Maya. It's not enough to have Bant tease me, I really need it from you too."  
  
"I'm always willing to help, you know that."  
  
There was an uncomfortable pause, and then Master Illorma cleared her throat, running a hand lightly through her Padawan's hair. "I think you need to go back to sleep now, Maya. Obi-Wan can visit later."  
  
The two separated, but Obi-Wan stood at the door for a few minutes, watching his friend settle into bed and fall asleep. When he felt Qui-Gon's supportive presence behind him, he knew it was time to go. He turned without a word and went back to his quarters.  
  
***  
  
Obi-Wan took a dazzling leap into the air, the bright blue of his lightsaber a stark contrast to the plain white walls of the practice room. He made a low sweep with his blade as he landed, but came up empty. His opponent had already begun moving up to the next level. Taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan smiled and made another leap, hoping to beat her to her intended location. He was there first, and cut the girl off from her continuing assent.  
  
Obi-Wan made a wide sky-to-ground sweep, then reversed direction, making another. Every move was countered. The loud crash and sizzle of the 'sabers continued for several seconds before the two parted a few steps.  
  
"You're feeling better." Obi-Wan gave his friend a wink.  
  
"Good enough to beat you!" With a sweep of her leg, Maya sent Obi-Wan jumping to avoid falling. Knowing her friend all too well, she arched her blade skyward, catching Obi-Wan unguarded. She watched as he landed, going to a knee.  
  
Bringing her blade to his head to signal a deathblow, she smiled and turning off her lightsaber, offered her hand. "It had to happen sometime."  
  
Obi-Wan stood, shaking out his leg where he'd been hit. There would be a little burn, but he was again glad that they only sparred at training strength, or he'd have lost his leg. Placing his 'saber on his belt, he smiled back at Maya warmly and grabbed a towel from the nearby bench.  
  
"Thank you, Obi-Wan, for being here for me," Maya said softly, coming to stand beside him. "I know I haven't been the greatest friend lately…"  
  
"That's not true," Obi-Wan interrupted.  
  
"Let me finish!" Though Maya's voice was commanding, the smile she bore let Obi-Wan know she was only playing. "I know it hasn't been easy, but I'll be ok now. The mind healers say that it will take time to work through some of the feelings I have. I'm still learning how to accept what I'm feeling and release it into the Force. I'm so used to bottling it up inside; it's not going to be easy. But I know now that I can release them without having to hurt myself. I know I'm safe, and I know I'm loved. That's because of people like you and my Master. I just wanted to say thank you."  
  
Obi-Wan smiled and put an arm around his friend. "You're welcome, Maya. I'm just glad you're ok." There was something that the young man had wanted to ask his friend for the last few days, and finally decided this was the right time. "Maya? Did the council ever figure out how Master Elina managed to not get caught for so long?"  
  
There was an uncomfortable silence, broken by a deep sigh from the girl. "They said that she had found a way to mask her Force signature, so that the darkness was hidden."  
  
"It's so strange to think that someone with such evil thoughts could live in the temple, raise little children, and the Masters wouldn't even know."  
  
Maya shrugged. "She didn't believe that what she was doing was wrong. Though she was filled with the Darkside, it was easier to hide because she thought she was doing good."  
  
"I guess. I'm just glad she's not around here anymore. I think life as a miner will be good for her."  
  
Maya nodded. "Me too."  
  
Tossing his towel beside Maya on the bench, Obi-Wan grinned. "So, how about a rematch?"  
  
The girl laughed, but agreed. "If you're up to it. You look pretty tired," she joked.  
  
"Don't worry about me. Let's just see if you can beat me again."  
  
As Maya took her stance, Obi-Wan smiled happily. She was getting better. She was more open now, and had even been making some new friends. Maya's relationship with her Master had grown stronger too. He could see it when they talked. Maya wasn't hiding things anymore, and she wasn't afraid that her Master didn't love her. She had found out that love and pain weren't one and the same. Obi-Wan couldn't wait to see what the future had in store for his friend. 


End file.
